i think they like me

2009

2009-07-22T04:43:14Z

i havent updated in a long time.
i'm going to try and do a list of 10 things that have changed since the last time i updated.

1. my hair is shortER and really blonde.
2. we moved into a huge house close to campus and it even has a pool!
3. i still have my very best friends- brittney, and catie. AND my guardian angel bff rach. : )
4. i quit my sorority.
5. i got a new car- a red grand am gt v6, RUBY : 0)
6. i lost my virginity.
7. 10 months later the person i lost it to, moved. far away. i'm heart broken.
8. i don't know if i will be in school this semester.
9. i went to nc this year, three times. and the beach was one of those trips. i don't like anyone from NC that i use to love.
10. i'm sad, all the time.

big_gunsgo_bang @ 2008-05-21T23:22:00

2008-05-22T04:22:51Z

i'm still at the beach...

and i am still thinking about him.

in august he'll be married, to what i believe is the wrong girl.
a LOT of people agree, but why can't he see it?

big_gunsgo_bang @ 2008-05-18T22:41:00

2008-05-19T03:42:52Z

i figured i could come to the beach this week and be able to not think about him,
and everytime i see an older couple walking the beach i want to cry,
everytime i see something really funny i want to call him and tell him about it.

august cannot come, please. : X

big_gunsgo_bang @ 2008-05-15T03:10:00

2008-05-15T08:15:50Z

you know what....
i am not going to let a BOY ruin my life.

i have some of the best friends in the entire world.
i have an amazing family.
i am in a wonderful sorority.

i can't dwell on the past,
the stupid boy is the one that made the mistake.
he is still making the mistake.
he is engaged to another girl,
but he still is the same player he was 2 months ago.
i feel sorry for her too,
she is pretending like everything will change once a ring gets on her finger,
how freaking stupid are you?

big_gunsgo_bang @ 2008-05-14T17:07:00

2008-05-14T22:09:27Z

last time i wrote in this thing was when rachel died.
i still don't believe that she is gone, theres still moments where i:

see her,
call her,
feel her,
can hear her,

everything.

i miss my best friend.

and i miss love.
i shut down and i ran away the one person that means the most to me,
and i'm not happy, at all.
:X

big_gunsgo_bang @ 2007-07-21T13:58:00

2007-07-21T18:58:57Z

missing red a lot a lot today.. wanting her opinion on my pink hair.. i'm surrounded by your glory babe. i love you big red.

big_gunsgo_bang @ 2007-07-18T01:35:00

2007-07-18T06:36:52Z

i've cried for the past 16 days.
i miss you so much red.
i don't know how to do this.

big_gunsgo_bang @ 2007-07-16T03:32:00

2007-07-16T08:33:57Z

Thanks for all you've done
I've missed you for so long
I can't believe you're gone
You still live in me
I feel you in the wind
You guide me constantly

I've never knew what it was to be alone, no
Cause you were always there for me
You were always there waiting
And ill come home and I miss your face so
Smiling down on me
I close my eyes to see

And I know, you're a part of me
And it's your song that sets me free
I sing it while I feel I can't hold on
I sing tonight cause it comforts me

I carry the things that remind me of you
In loving memory of
The one that was so true
Your were as kind as you could be
And even though you're gone
You still mean the world to me

I've never knew what it was to be alone, no
Cause you were always there for me
You were always there waiting
But now I come home and it's not the same, no
It feels empty and alone
I can't believe you're gone

And I know, you're a part of me
And it's your song that sets me free
I sing it while I feel I can't hold on
I sing tonight cause it comforts me

I'm glad he set you free from sorrow
I'll still love you more tomorrow
And you will be here with me still

And what you did you did with feeling
And You always found the meaning
And you always will
And you always will
And you always will

Ooo's

And I know, you're a part of me
And it's your song that sets me free
I sing it while I feel I can't hold on
I sing tonight cause it comforts me

red, i need you so much.
i don't know how i can ever be the same without you.
don't forget to remember me, because i'll never forget you.
I LOVE YOU.

big_gunsgo_bang @ 2007-07-14T01:37:00

2007-07-14T06:42:32Z

tomorrow i have to go to my best friends funeral.

big_gunsgo_bang @ 2007-07-04T16:50:00

2007-07-04T21:51:26Z

i'm going to miss you so much red..
i don't even know what i'm going to do without my BEST friend.
i love you angel, i'll never forget your smile<3

big_gunsgo_bang @ 2007-06-08T21:03:00

2007-06-09T02:04:32Z

toga parties are now my favorite.
i am thinking about just wearing sheets everywhere i go now.
:)

i love for st. louis tomorrow.. once i get back i have U of M orientation.. yay... ..
:) i'll be back on the 16th!

big_gunsgo_bang @ 2007-06-01T02:13:00

2007-06-01T07:16:40Z

oh ps.
i graduated!
and it feels amazing!!:)

st. louis with 15 of my best friends will be nothing short of amazing.
getting hyphy in 3 hotel rooms = priceless. :)
just 8 more days!!!!

twinkie&i :)

big_gunsgo_bang @ 2007-06-01T02:09:00

2007-06-01T07:11:11Z

love at first sight.

:)

summer is love.

big_gunsgo_bang @ 2007-03-28T21:01:00

2007-03-29T02:03:34Z

i love courtney!

big_gunsgo_bang @ 2007-02-23T16:39:00

2007-02-23T22:41:15Z

thats why i love my girlfriends.

big_gunsgo_bang @ 2007-02-20T22:19:00

2007-02-21T04:19:34Z

I've recently decided that I'm trying this whole new "growing up" thing. I'm doing an okay job at it, if you ask me. I'm not letting the little things get to me as much as I use to. I feel like I'm doing a terrible job at it though. I'm sure you all know this about me but I tend to let people walk all over me, I'm trying guys--I really am. But I still see myself being walked all over and I'm not sure how to stop this. Someone cool once told me I couldn't find happiness until I found happiness in myself. I'm really trying to find that happiness inside of me, but, as soon as I think I'm close to it, it's like it's ripped right away. I want to find that permanent happiness, and I don't know how to. I'm not seeking love at 17, I'm seeking affection and security. I gave up something recently that I thought that I wouldn't be able to live without. I'm trying my hardest to be able to get through it every single day, and it's hard, but I'm doing it and everyday it gets easier and easier with each step I take. For lent, I think I'm going to continue to give that one person up, but I think I'm going to go a step up and give up trying to seek happiness in that other person I've recently THOUGHT I could be happy with, because I feel that all is happening with that is emptiness and tons of unsureness, and I really don't need that right now. I need to focus on positive things, and positive people. Not someone who really isn't sure if they want me around. I know like I said earlier, I'm 17. But I did find that love once, and now I do know that it won't work out like we planned. Our present, and our future isn't the same and never will be. We are seriously living in the past, and we both have to grow up, and realize that our love isn't there anymore. I'm sort of okay with that, but I feel like each day is a new day. Mom always tells me, "when one door closes, another one opens" and I believe that. When I first decided to break away from old love, I had a great outlook, and I was looking forward to enjoying a good time with a good person, but, it didn't work out, and I'm okay with that. "Theres plenty of fish in the sea." I'm not looking for a boyfriend, but just a good time--its the end of senior year and I have zero time to concentrate on a boyfriend. Once college comes around maybe I'll be ready as a whole, but I seriously doubt that I can handle anything right now. I feel good about this growing up stage and I'm very positive. I'm keeping my head up, and as my brother use to tell me "Don't let them see you sweat, keep that chin up, and don't let them see you sweat." I'm not going to let them see me sweat, I'm going to handle this head strong. :)

big_gunsgo_bang @ 2007-01-21T10:47:00

2007-01-21T16:47:39Z

today is my first day back to work in a month.
come see me at The Icing, 1-7 :)

big_gunsgo_bang @ 2007-01-16T17:04:00

2007-01-16T23:05:28Z

my new brown hair :)

big_gunsgo_bang @ 2007-01-07T01:50:00

2007-01-07T08:04:33Z

i haven't wrote in forever.
life is really really good right now.
i'm sort of depressed because i don't have my "girls" around as much like my junior year of highschool,
but i realized tonight that-- it's okay.
my friends consist of nothing but:
jessica dang, brit parham, russ, drew griggs, nick jones, garrett, josh, tyler, & abby.
[and the newbies morgan, and brynn]
i'm sort of missing all the people i use to hang out with,
but i realize that everything does eventually work out,
and that there can be no drama in highschool if you hang out with the right people,
and not put yourself into situations where there is tons of it.
i realize that hanging out with just a few people still means you can have the time of your life.
don't get me wrong i'm social as all get out & associate with everyone, and will always hang out with random people,
but i'm SO comfortable with my little group that i don't really need anyone else.
i miss catie & chels though, it REALLY sucks that i don't get to have the "elite 4" around.
oh well. right? i think.
i'm moving to north carolina in like 6 months and that REALLY scares me.
i know i'm from there, and thats my home,
BUT my parents and my friends here will still be here, and in knoxville & other random places.
drew griggs and nick jones will be in knoxville so i'm pretty sure that i won't be loosing touch with them.
abby and drew pirtle are there as well, so they will always be a plus to see. since their my two bffs.
i'm really excited about college though,
i think i figured out what i want to be too, i'm not going to jinx it because i'll prob. change my mind.
i think i'm going to become a teacher-- special ed, or facing history.
after watching freedom writers last night i really did get inspired to actually teach,
and to actually make a difference in the world.
since senior year thats all i think about is how i can help at least one person,
and make a difference in at least one person's life.
after doing the Darfur fundraiser and being in charge of it really did change me.
for the first time in my life i felt proud of myself,
because it was just an A on a paper, or getting a homerun in the softball game,
it was actually raising money to help someone get an education,
to get clothes, to have food, and to help them in any other way.
i'm rambling on about nothing..
and i'm sorry.
sorry i made this long and pointless.
i had a great night and i'm not ready to go to bed so i got on here.. big mistake huh?
!!! night guys!! :) be safe.. stay out of ditches!!!

[ps: i got in a wreck the other day and thats our new thing "stay out of ditches"]

big_gunsgo_bang @ 2006-11-08T18:12:00

2006-11-08T23:12:24Z

big_gunsgo_bang @ 2006-09-26T15:30:00

2006-09-26T20:32:01Z

it's been 5 years..
i cannot even believe that.
seems like just yesterday..

i woke up this morning, and that song... "every step i take.." was on the radio,
sort of shocked me, since its TLCs day and all, and that song fit it perfectly.

i miss you, a lot, travie.

big_gunsgo_bang @ 2006-08-31T16:13:00

2006-08-31T21:14:18Z

big_gunsgo_bang @ 2006-08-21T17:00:00

2006-08-21T22:04:39Z

everyone should welcome peyton cole to the world! :)
6''13oz, 20 inches long!

big_gunsgo_bang @ 2006-08-18T15:07:00

2006-08-18T20:09:07Z

3 parties in one night.
this is why i love highschool.
haha.
:)

[happy birthday] rod:) //buddy!

big_gunsgo_bang @ 2006-07-18T19:51:00

2006-07-19T00:54:12Z

i've got mono. freaking mono.
it's summer time and i'm stuck at home.
i guess this will be a good time to work on all my summer art homework.
someone that can draw should come help me:)